Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Yes! WE KNOW ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY. Stop posting every day updates and “- days to go” and you will receive a wonderful amount of attention soon. The planets are smiling at you, check your teeth for spinach or meat.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don’t rush through traffic, be patient. Your workload will not determine your level of leisure. However, you will still carry all this stress in your ankles. Work those calves.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Banging your head against a wall 20 times does not make the wall budge. Don’t charge for a 21st, you stubborn weirdo. You will see a positive change in your succulents in the coming days.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Keep spare tennis balls for the puppies. Appease them to find out the next key to your quest. Onwards! Watch out for pennies after every cloudburst.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Both joint effort and joints will cause undue procrastination and stress. Don’t rely on others to get you where you wish to be. Oh, and your ice cream is melting. Pay attention!
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your craving for food is not seasonal. You crave warmth and fullness this time of the year. Make sure you warm the pizza before eating it. Do not let the crunch of yellow leaves anger you. You are doing so well!
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A health scare is quite possible in the coming days. Wear a mask and scare it right back with your numerous existing health scares.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars have foreseen a promotion or a financial gain soon but they are undecided which one of your personalities will get it. Steady on! Avoid lettuce and radishes.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Put down that camera, Cancer! A few annoying zits are coming your way. Make sure to exfoliate, hydrate, and cry a lot. Let the stars feel your anguish. Your perfect skin will be on its way.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars have nothing new to say to you. Even if offered a tailor-made solution to all your problems with a huge pile of cash on the side, you’ll still go for the box with the question mark on it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will struggle to put thoughts into words this week, just like always. Don’t be vindictive, just replace the toilet roll. A special someone will enter your life, tip generously.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Many individuals of your preferred sex will throw themselves at you. Make sure to wear protective gear and shield your eyes. You literally can’t do anything else.